For my Son

Tomorrow, you will start a new chapter in your life, and so many thoughts and memories flood my mind.  Memories from when you were an infant, to your first day of school (and every day in between and how you busted your butt to graduate high school in time.  Memories of picking you up at the airport when you flew to Germany to meet me.  Memories of family vacations....Disney World, Disney Land, Paris, Berlin, Asheville, camping, fishing, etc.  Memories of you riding your bike for the first time, your dad trying to teach you how to swim, and you holding your baby brothers (you only prayed for one but got 3!).

And I can honestly say that I am not ready for this change.  I am not ready to let you go out into this big giant world alone.  I am not ready to move across the country and to leave you here in Texas to tackle this giant world by yourself.  Most of all, I am not ready to let you go.

I know that you feel that you are ready, but you will always be my little baby.  You will always be the one that needed your mom in your infancy.  You will always want to hold my hand.  You will always want my help with homework.   You will always love my cooking more.  You will always want my help.

Like so many mothers before me, I am not ready for you to take this step into adulthood, and like so many mothers after me, they won't be either.  But like every mother, I am super proud of you, and the man you have become.  As I watch you make grown-up decisions like choosing an apartment, choosing a college, and voting in your first Presidential election, all I can think about is how proud I am of you.

Just like I promised you to always try my best to be a good mom, I want to make these promises to you now:

1) You can always come home.  If things get tough, do not ever think that you can never come home. There is no shame in starting over.  My door is always open to you.

2) I will alway pray for you.  I will pray for your safety, your education, and that you will make wise decisions.

3) I will never stop loving you.

4) I will always be here to help you if you need it.

So tomorrow, while you take this journey alone, without me holding your hand, please remember that I love you, and you will always be my baby, my first born.  You will always hold a special place in my heart.   I love you, and may God always keep you.

Getting Back to ME.

The last couple of weeks, well, months, maybe a year, I've changed.....and it's not been good.  I let a lot of self doubt, negative talk, jealousy take over my life.  I have been so consumed with all of these things that they have been eating at my internal happiness.  All of these things have gotten to me so bad that it's sort of depressing.  I'm bitter.  And I have to sit and think...how did I get this way?  What led me to labeling myself with negative thoughts?

Maybe it was years of military leaders (not all, but the ones that made the most direct impact on my career) telling me that I wasn't good enough, smart enough, or try hard enough.

Maybe it was the weight that I gained in the last 4 years and not feeling physically attractive that I can't believe that he would still want to be with me.

Maybe it's the guilty feeling that the deployments have taken me out of my children's life, and I really didn't make a life long positive impression on my kids.

Even with my accomplishments and awards that I received in the military, and my 2 year college degree, maybe none of those papers mean anything to anyone else.

Maybe it's because I feel that I've failed because my military career didn't go the way that I had hoped.

What happened to the girl that I was even 5 years ago?

I used to be strong.  I used to never let what negative things that people say about me get in the way that I feel about myself.  Despite my injuries, I used to think that I was fit.  I used to think that I was successful.


But the truth is.....I'm none of those things that I think about myself.   The military leaders that actually made an positive impact on my life, I'm still friends with today.  They encouraged me in my younger military days, and they still encourage me today.  I am heavier than when I first met my husband.  But, my husband still looks at me with love and attraction.  My kids love me.  They understand that why I had to leave and that it wasn't because I didn't want to.  My accolades from being in the Military do mean something.  They stand for all of the long hours and hard work that I put in.  And that 2 yr degree that I have....it's way more than a lot of people that I know have.  So what if not everyone recognizes that!  And my military career is what it is.  I re-enlisted because I wanted to.  It didn't go exactly the way that I wanted it to, and despite not being able to retire in about 5 more years, I seriously doubt I would make it with my injuries.

I am one lucky girl.  When I erase all the self doubt, negative talk about myself, I can see that I am truly blessed.  God has given me this life to live the best that I can.  I'm not perfect, but I am loved.  I am successful.....less than some, but definitely  more than others.  And, I am still strong....I just need to show that strength.  That girl that was inside me 5 years ago....she's still there.  I need to let her come back out and live.....because the girl that I've become....she's not living.  She's bitter.  And to be honest, I don't really like that girl much.

That's all folks.  Stay true and God Bless!