Monday, July 18, 2016

Getting Back to ME.

The last couple of weeks, well, months, maybe a year, I've changed.....and it's not been good.  I let a lot of self doubt, negative talk, jealousy take over my life.  I have been so consumed with all of these things that they have been eating at my internal happiness.  All of these things have gotten to me so bad that it's sort of depressing.  I'm bitter.  And I have to sit and think...how did I get this way?  What led me to labeling myself with negative thoughts?

Maybe it was years of military leaders (not all, but the ones that made the most direct impact on my career) telling me that I wasn't good enough, smart enough, or try hard enough.

Maybe it was the weight that I gained in the last 4 years and not feeling physically attractive that I can't believe that he would still want to be with me.

Maybe it's the guilty feeling that the deployments have taken me out of my children's life, and I really didn't make a life long positive impression on my kids.

Even with my accomplishments and awards that I received in the military, and my 2 year college degree, maybe none of those papers mean anything to anyone else.

Maybe it's because I feel that I've failed because my military career didn't go the way that I had hoped.

What happened to the girl that I was even 5 years ago?



I used to be strong.  I used to never let what negative things that people say about me get in the way that I feel about myself.  Despite my injuries, I used to think that I was fit.  I used to think that I was successful.


But the truth is.....I'm none of those things that I think about myself.   The military leaders that actually made an positive impact on my life, I'm still friends with today.  They encouraged me in my younger military days, and they still encourage me today.  I am heavier than when I first met my husband.  But, my husband still looks at me with love and attraction.  My kids love me.  They understand that why I had to leave and that it wasn't because I didn't want to.  My accolades from being in the Military do mean something.  They stand for all of the long hours and hard work that I put in.  And that 2 yr degree that I have....it's way more than a lot of people that I know have.  So what if not everyone recognizes that!  And my military career is what it is.  I re-enlisted because I wanted to.  It didn't go exactly the way that I wanted it to, and despite not being able to retire in about 5 more years, I seriously doubt I would make it with my injuries.



I am one lucky girl.  When I erase all the self doubt, negative talk about myself, I can see that I am truly blessed.  God has given me this life to live the best that I can.  I'm not perfect, but I am loved.  I am successful.....less than some, but definitely  more than others.  And, I am still strong....I just need to show that strength.  That girl that was inside me 5 years ago....she's still there.  I need to let her come back out and live.....because the girl that I've become....she's not living.  She's bitter.  And to be honest, I don't really like that girl much.

That's all folks.  Stay true and God Bless!


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